911

I feel like all I ever do is post doom and gloom and whine about it. I apologize, but I genuinely can't think of anything cheerful to write about at the moment. Since last posting I had dinner with my soon to be divorced friend and had to call 911 because he rushed out of the restaurant intent on doing himself harm. The police caught up with him and took him to the hospital, for which I am intensely grateful. I hope they keep him long enough to do some good. He's been talking about drowning and carbon monoxide poisoning and running his car into trees, among other things, for weeks now. I told him I wouldn't stand by and let it happen, that I'd have him committed. He can hate me for the rest of his long and normal life.

On a lighter note, here are some photos of Coral and I at our friend Laura's birthday party, and of the plate I made her:

Googly eyes rock.

Paging Nurse Simmons

I don't even know what to say about the last few weeks, but I'm tired out. Two things have been going on that independently would be manageable for me, but concurrently they are taxing my strength and sanity. Firstly, my beloved mother has been unwell. She had surgery yesterday and is now home. I've taken some time off work to care for her and am happy to be able to look after her. She's taken such good care of me over the years, it's nice to be able to return the favor in a small way :) But it is stressful. It's hard to see someone you love in pain, which brings me to the second thing.
My good friend is in the beginning stages of divorce and is relying heavily on me for emotional support. He is in the first, most agonizing part: the pain, the self doubt, the depression. And I am his only friend. And it's hard to see him suffering. And of course it reminds me of my own divorce.
Watching other people suffer is almost worse than suffering yourself. I am strong and am happy these people can lean on me for support, but I am tired. I hope I make it to the end of their trials without failing in some major way. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures. He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Freeze Frame

Here are some recent projects. The first two were birthday presents for my nieces. The third is a Christmas present for my mother, which she already knows she's getting because it was originally meant to be for one of my darling nieces and Mum saw it and drooled so excessively over it that it wasn't fit for consumption by anyone else... Not really. No actual drool was produced. She expressed a great liking for it, so I made another one for the girls. The last frame is for my lovely friend Lynda who doesn't read my blog so I can post without her knowing what she's getting :) Is it wrong that the one with my photo in it is my favorite?

RIP part deux

So... my computer died. I had been telling myself since we got it 2 years ago that I needed to back up my photos and documents. Now they're ALL GONE!!!! WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sniff sniff. I still haven't quite regained good relations with the beastly machine since the reboot. I hate Vista passionately. I blame all the quirks and crashes we suffer through hourly on Bill Gates personally.

On the up side, there's pie. Marionberry, mmmmmm......

As you know, I spend a great deal of time painting pottery, for my own amusement and for easy gifting. I rarely make anything for myself. In fact, in the history of my pottery painting I have only ever made one thing for myself, a gnome called Xenophilius, who I love.

I have many projects in progress and a shelf full of bisque waiting its turn. Among these items is another gnome, to be a friend for Xenophilius. I know exactly how I want to paint him and have been waiting to start him until I get a little further along with my Christmas projects. My friend Jonah has painted two gnomes for himself and has been eyeing my gnome for the last month with envy. He wants to make seven, all in Nascar uniforms, to be the pit crew for his favorite driver, Tony Stewart. (Does that make him Snow White?) He has been hinting broadly that I should let him have my gnome since I have so many other things to paint. They are apparently difficult for the shop to get and the next shipment won't arrive for another month, if ever. Jonah has other projects as well, but none he enjoys as much as gnomes and he has been making it known that he thinks I'm selfish for wanting to keep my gnome. I am feeling browbeaten into giving him the one thing from my shelf that is for me. Am I being selfish? Or is he being a jerk? Or both? I've told him no a dozen times and he keeps asking me. I gave in today and let him have it, not because I wanted to, but because I felt I had to in order to preserve good relations. But I resent it. What happened to no means no?

Cruel and unusual punishment

I'm not feeling very good about myself today.

Yesterday was one of those days against which one measures good days. It was the opposition against which cheerful, calm days seem sweet. In other words, it sucked. My bus was crowded most of the day with the loud, crass, disrespectful element that seems to crawl out of the woodwork on sunny weekends. Externally I was my usual serene self, but internally I was screaming most of the day. I wanted to be anywhere but there. The crowning event of the day was when a passing truck paused by my open window long enough to yell "stupid fat bitch!" at me as I was stopped to pick up some passengers. I have no idea what I did to piss the driver off. I hadn't stopped suddenly or failed to use my turn signal. I was just doing my job. I think if I had been able to respond, or had understood why he was angry, I would have been less bothered by it. And I'm fairly certain that he wouldn't have said it if he was actually on my bus, facing me in person, and would have had to deal with the consequences of his rudeness. Coward. And he was sporting a fairly sizable beer gut himself, and driving a Ford, so who is he to be questioning my intelligence? At the last conference I went to in Seattle one of the speakers said that there are multiple realities of our identity. If I catalogue my attributes according to this man's assessment: stupid, fat, bitchy - all of that is true sometimes, as well as lazy, selfish, ugly, slovenly, gluttonous, sinful, etc. The list could be endless, really. But other things are also true. I am sometimes generous, kind, beautiful, hard-working, compassionate, intelligent, diligent, faithful, etc. and it makes a difference which list we see as the truth. People are too apt to believe list A about themselves while seeing list B in others. And I am more guilty than most, I suspect...

The second source of my disquiet today is a result of lesson preparation. I read the next two lessons I have to teach in Relief Society. One is on Family Responsibilities and the other is on Eternal Marriage. Who am I to be teaching classes on these subjects?! It's ridiculous. I'm supposed to stand in front of a room full of wives and mothers and teach them about their responsibilities? I must stand there and tell them that a person can't be exalted without temple marriage, and teach them how to prepare their children for temple marriage? Because I'm such a sterling example of having learned that lesson for myself. Why would anyone put value on anything I could possibly have to say about these subjects? I have failed utterly and should be a cautionary tale. I don't relish the position I find myself in. It's enough to make me want to quit my calling, which of course I won't because that's not done. I have never wanted to be released until now. Generally I love my calling. But this seems cruel, as if I will be held up to public ridicule for my failures. The best I can do is stand there and say "do as I say, not as I do", which seems hypocritical to me. Not that I expect the sisters to be at all unkind. They are lovely and supportive, but surely it must occur to them that I have no wisdom here.

In less depressing news, a few months ago I was in Browsers book store talking with the proprietor, telling him how I was going to use the books I was purchasing. He asked me to bring one in and they would hang it, so I did:

This is the largest sculpture I have ever made and I love it. It's made from a book about Beethoven, which I read before transforming it. Speaking of marriage... Beethoven never married... There are all sorts of faithful men who have died without marrying. Perhaps one of them is for me. But if I get to pick, I choose Beethoven :) He seems like my kind of guy.

Tootsies

Are you tired of photos of my work yet? This was my Mother's Day gift to my Mum. These are Henry's wee footprints. He screamed bloody murder when we put the paint on his tootsies. Boy, he didn't like that one bit!

This was one of John's birthday gifts. The others were fabulous but I haven't photographed them yet. Next time I go stay up there I'll shoot them and post them with info, so stay tuned, because they're seriously cool.

Our Greatest Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others."

—Marianne Williamson

I heard this in a talk I went to this weekend in beautiful Bellevue, Wa. I had a lovely, relaxing weekend away. Lovely weather, lovely people, uplifting messages, for the most part. As always, one gets out of these conferences what one puts in, and I went sort of half hog to this one. I was friendly but not outgoing and so people were friendly but not overly so with me, which suits me just fine. I am, however, slightly embarrassed to admit that instead of going to the dance on Saturday night which was supposed to be the big mixer, I stayed in my hotel room and watched Avatar and the Parent Trap simultaneously. (I hate small talk and events like that one are slow torture.) (much like watching Avatar...)