Sunday, March 28, 2010

Resolve 2

This is far more personal than I generally allow myself to be on this forum. Please be gentle with me.

Today I've had an epiphany of sorts. What I want most and have always wanted most for my life is to love and be loved. I've wanted to be married and have a family since I can remember. I never wanted a career. I never wanted to work outside the home. I wanted to be a wife and mother, to spend my days caring for my loved ones, making home a haven, showing through my work on their behalf that I value them. Over the last few years, as I have aged and the realization of that goal has grown less likely, I guess I've given up in a way. I've allowed myself to feel as if there is no use to continue hoping, and that I should accept my current lot in life and be content. This conveniently lets me off the hook for making any effort to improve myself for the sake of my future spouse and posterity. I've had many priesthood blessing promising me that if I am faithful and worthy, I will have a temple marriage, in the time of the Lord. I've also allowed myself to think that perhaps I had missed out on that promise somehow through unworthiness or laziness or poor choices. I have allowed myself to drift so far from what would be desirable in a companion, and yet I blame my singleness on the shallowness of men in not being able to see my fine qualities through all my selfishness. So my epiphany for the day is that I need to be the person I would want to marry. Tada! Brilliant, eh? All these years I have been focusing on wanting someone to love me for who I am, as I am, without wanting to change me. But I want to change myself!! I always have. It's absurd of me to expect anyone else to take me as I am when what I am is unacceptable even to myself. So I feel a renewed desire to be a better human being, a better daughter of God. I'm sure it'll pass. After I've finished this post I'll turn on the TV, and I'll stay up far too late this evening. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up to the alarm and hit snooze instead of getting up for my morning exercise, and the self loathing will lull me back to sleep. By tomorrow evening I'll have forgotten all about this temporary wish to better myself and I'll have achieved contentment. That is, until I log on here again and see this post. Bwa hah! No escape.

Friday, March 26, 2010


This week was my bro's spring break, so he came down for a few days and we went to the coast one afternoon. It was a splendid day to be there, cool and clear. We had heard reports of stupendous numbers of whales being visible on their journey down the coast, so we drove to Depoe Bay to see what we could see.
This is what we could see, the blank face of the ocean unspotted by whales of any description. The day before we were there the number of sightings was an astounding 70. The day we were there it was 3. Typical :D

There were lots of boats to be seen, fishing charters and whale watching excursion boats. We were lolling near where the boats docked and I heard several passengers remark upon disembarking that they had enjoyed their trips in spite of the lack of whales, so we wouldn't have fared any better had we taken a charter trip. Just as well. It looked pretty choppy.

The next day I drove down to Roseburg to visit my lovely friend Gab and we decided to take a drive over to... you guessed it, the coast! We went to Coos Bay and Bandon. In Bandon we visited Cranberry Sweets, one of my favorite shops in the world. They are the producers of a divine treat called Lemon Meringue Pie Candy, which I am constitutionally unable to resist. It is heaven in candy form. I purchased it and several other sweet things which I had intended for family members at home and most of which never made it to their intended recipients. The less said about that the better, so... in Coos Bay we walked along the boardwalk and ogled the ships moored there. This beauty was among them. I was charmed by her colorful, rust-laden hull. Something about her appeals to me. Perhaps my over-romanticised notions of what it would be like to live a sea-faring life, with the wind whipping through my flaxen hair and Johnny Depp at my side... Lol. I can't even fantasize about that with a straight face.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Heh heh

OK, so I didn't actually attend the conference, (she says sheepishly). Here's the deal. I left home in what I thought would be plenty of time to get to my hotel, get gussied up, and still make it to the conference in good time. It failed to occur to me that Friday was the first day of Spring Break and that every human with a vehicle would be on the road, so a trip that usually takes me 4 and a half hours took 7. I arrived at my hotel after 9pm, in need of grooming from the long drive, so it would have been 10 by the time I got to the church. Not worth it. That's way more than fashionably late. Shame too, because for a change, I was actually feeling pretty up for socializing, a rare feeling for me. I had psyched myself up on the drive and was disappointed not to be able to go. So I lounged around in my extremely spacious and luxurious hotel room, which was bigger than some apartments I've lived in, enjoying the solitude.

The next morning I was still a little peeved about missing the stuff the night before, and also frustrated about not being able to get hold of my brother who lives in Seattle, so I was feeling decidedly unsocial, unlike the previous evening. I still planned on going, and in aid of that resolve, I showered and prepared to dress, only to discover that I had packed everything I needed, except... a bra. I had set aside two clean white bras, fresh from the laundry to go in my suitcase, but somehow they never made it there, so all I had with me was the one I had worn the day before, which incidentally was the one at the bottom of the drawer that only gets worn when every other option has been exhausted because it's laundry day. It does not fit well, nor is it flattering. And it wasn't clean. I know, TMI, but it was the deciding factor for me. No way was I in the mood to go to the meat market in a dirty, ill-fitting bra. So I went back to bed :) I lazed around doing crossword puzzles and playing brick breaker on my phone while waiting to hear from my brother. Very productive. Around mid-day I decided I should probably not spend the entire weekend in my hotel room, so I dressed and drove to my brother's house and left a note on the door. I figured since phone and email messages were unsuccessful, he might respond to an actual note. I left there and drove to University Village, the snootiest mall in the Northwest, I'm convinced. Very upscale, so much so that I'm told the Starbucks doesn't list prices on their menu. They say if you have to ask how much it costs, you shouldn't be there. I didn't go to the Starbucks, but went instead to possibly my favorite restaurant in America, Blue C Sushi. Here are some photos:

I want them to open a branch of this restaurant here. It's too cool. You can't really tell from the photos, (I was trying to be respectful and not photograph other patrons stuffing their faces,) but the place is set up with an open kitchen area in the middle and a conveyor belt running around the edge of the kitchen, where the chefs place their freshly made sushi dishes, and where the patrons can reach up and grab what ever looks good to them as it floats by.

Here is a small portion of my fantastically satisfying meal. My favorite thing there was the green spinach dish in the front of the photo. It's cold towers of spinach with a sweet sesame sauce, so tasty. I had two plates of that :) Also splendid was the braised tuna and the krab salad. You see how the plates are all different colors. Each color represents a different price, so when you finish your meal the wait person comes and counts your plates and gives you the bill.

The end of the meal, a stack of satisfaction. The hour I spent here was the most relaxing and serene of my weekend.

As I was finishing my meal I got a message from my brother, at long last :) We made plans for the evening, so in the interim hours I wandered around the snooty shops and did a little Christmas/birthday shopping. Nothing like planning ahead, eh? There is a confectionery shop across from the sushi place that is noteworthy. When you walk through the doors you are assaulted with color. Everything is just so; perfectly organized and tidy in a beautifully artistic and creative way. I wanted to take photos, but they wouldn't let me. Snooty pooheads. I shouldn't have asked. I should have just done it. They had the cutest little chocolate truffle Easter animals, little chicks and sheep. They were awesome! And tasty too :D

Thursday, March 18, 2010

away away

I'm going here tomorrow :) Well, actually I'm going near there tomorrow. I won't actually go to the temple till Saturday morning, 7 am session. Yes, after deciding last year not to go to any more LDS singles conferences, I'm going to the Everett Washington LDS singles conference. It's really just an excuse to get out of town for a few days and to possibly see my bro and his family. And also, I like the talks and workshops. I'm totally over the whole meat market-dance-socialize-try to connect with people who are looking for someone better than you-thing. I'm just looking forward to a nice spiritual uplift. I hope the weather stays nice for the drive.
I have recently started doing something I thought I would never do - counting calories. I'm not sure if I can stand to do it long term, but for now it's interesting. I find some of the results surprising, like how few calories are in fruit. I thought it would be higher with all that natural sugar. Bread is also surprising to me. And alas, butter... my old friend. Sigh.

Friday, March 12, 2010


Remember my friend Lynda with stage 3 breast cancer? I made her some cupcakes as a pick me up yesterday. The chemo is really doing a number on her. I wonder how normal her side affects are. Her skin is peeling all over, her fingernails and toenails are falling off, she has random wounds that have appeared out of no where that don't heal, everything tastes bad to her. Perhaps cupcakes weren't the best idea, but I wanted to remind her what she gets at the end of the process. She's still really excited about getting new boobies. I guess I must be a closet perv because I really enjoyed making these. I think they turned out so cute, and they were mighty tasty too :)

Thursday, March 4, 2010

'Scuse me

Today I laughed until I cried, something that hasn't happened for awhile. I went to dinner with my friends Coral and Jonah, and on the drive home we had an impromptu belching contest. I was awesome, if I do say so. I have 3 brothers, so I can belch with the best of them. Jonah, at 6 foot 5 inches and something like 400 lbs, is also a consummate belcher, so the competition was fierce. There was no official winner declared, but as Coral was the judge and Jonah is her boyfriend, I think there is little doubt who she would pick. She has to live with him, after all. After I dropped them off, I called and left a belch on their answering machine :D