Sunday, March 28, 2010

Resolve 2

This is far more personal than I generally allow myself to be on this forum. Please be gentle with me.

Today I've had an epiphany of sorts. What I want most and have always wanted most for my life is to love and be loved. I've wanted to be married and have a family since I can remember. I never wanted a career. I never wanted to work outside the home. I wanted to be a wife and mother, to spend my days caring for my loved ones, making home a haven, showing through my work on their behalf that I value them. Over the last few years, as I have aged and the realization of that goal has grown less likely, I guess I've given up in a way. I've allowed myself to feel as if there is no use to continue hoping, and that I should accept my current lot in life and be content. This conveniently lets me off the hook for making any effort to improve myself for the sake of my future spouse and posterity. I've had many priesthood blessing promising me that if I am faithful and worthy, I will have a temple marriage, in the time of the Lord. I've also allowed myself to think that perhaps I had missed out on that promise somehow through unworthiness or laziness or poor choices. I have allowed myself to drift so far from what would be desirable in a companion, and yet I blame my singleness on the shallowness of men in not being able to see my fine qualities through all my selfishness. So my epiphany for the day is that I need to be the person I would want to marry. Tada! Brilliant, eh? All these years I have been focusing on wanting someone to love me for who I am, as I am, without wanting to change me. But I want to change myself!! I always have. It's absurd of me to expect anyone else to take me as I am when what I am is unacceptable even to myself. So I feel a renewed desire to be a better human being, a better daughter of God. I'm sure it'll pass. After I've finished this post I'll turn on the TV, and I'll stay up far too late this evening. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up to the alarm and hit snooze instead of getting up for my morning exercise, and the self loathing will lull me back to sleep. By tomorrow evening I'll have forgotten all about this temporary wish to better myself and I'll have achieved contentment. That is, until I log on here again and see this post. Bwa hah! No escape.

1 comment:

  1. I cant help but smile, and hope for you to continue with your goal. I think the epiphany you had is a great gift, straight from God. to use. to cleave unto. to move you. Brava, Im behind you one hundred and 17%