Thursday, February 11, 2010

Music From Beyond ;)

The other day as Mum and I were driving to Portland, she put an old CD of my college choir in the stereo to entertain us on our drive. As we listened I recollected that it was there in that auditorium, singing those songs that I had first met Charlie. We were in the same choir. Our choir of 100 voices practiced in the round, that is surrounding our director in a circle, and it happened that Charlie and I were placed directly opposite each other in the formation. I had ample opportunity to stare at him every day while we sang, and that suited me just fine. I always liked Charlie's looks. (For the record, he never noticed me. I asked him on our first date, to the symphony.) Anyway, I had forgotten that he also accompanied the choir. He was a musical genius. The first few songs on the CD are acapella, but when the piano started and I realized who I was hearing, I got a little teary. Mum offered to change the music, but I wanted to hear it. I'm glad I have it, to remember his talent, and our first year together. My relationship with Charlie was a struggle from start to finish. I had to fight to get in that choir, the first musical group I ever auditioned for and didn't get into right away. I had to convince Charlie that he was interested in me, and basically drag him kicking and screaming to the altar. I never understood why he went through with it. He didn't want to be married. Our marriage was a constant struggle for me to figure out why he wasn't happy, and of course in the end there was the emotional struggle of the divorce, which continues. I learned a lot from Charlie, mostly about agency. For better of for worse, Charlie is part of what makes me who I am today. The lessons learned from him color everything I do, every interaction with another human being. Damn it! He's still manipulating me even from beyond the grave. I guess he gets his wish then. He wanted to change how I interact with people and he's done it. OK, when I started typing this I was a little sad. Now I'm just angry.

1 comment:

  1. All the water in the world, No matter how it tried
    Could never sink the smallest ship, Unless it got inside.
    All the charlies of the world, And every kind of him
    Could never damn a human soul, Unless we let it in.
    poetic license taken. think upon it. hugs.