Thursday, February 11, 2010
Music From Beyond ;)
The other day as Mum and I were driving to Portland, she put an old CD of my college choir in the stereo to entertain us on our drive. As we listened I recollected that it was there in that auditorium, singing those songs that I had first met Charlie. We were in the same choir. Our choir of 100 voices practiced in the round, that is surrounding our director in a circle, and it happened that Charlie and I were placed directly opposite each other in the formation. I had ample opportunity to stare at him every day while we sang, and that suited me just fine. I always liked Charlie's looks. (For the record, he never noticed me. I asked him on our first date, to the symphony.) Anyway, I had forgotten that he also accompanied the choir. He was a musical genius. The first few songs on the CD are acapella, but when the piano started and I realized who I was hearing, I got a little teary. Mum offered to change the music, but I wanted to hear it. I'm glad I have it, to remember his talent, and our first year together. My relationship with Charlie was a struggle from start to finish. I had to fight to get in that choir, the first musical group I ever auditioned for and didn't get into right away. I had to convince Charlie that he was interested in me, and basically drag him kicking and screaming to the altar. I never understood why he went through with it. He didn't want to be married. Our marriage was a constant struggle for me to figure out why he wasn't happy, and of course in the end there was the emotional struggle of the divorce, which continues. I learned a lot from Charlie, mostly about agency. For better of for worse, Charlie is part of what makes me who I am today. The lessons learned from him color everything I do, every interaction with another human being. Damn it! He's still manipulating me even from beyond the grave. I guess he gets his wish then. He wanted to change how I interact with people and he's done it. OK, when I started typing this I was a little sad. Now I'm just angry.